Picture this: You’re sitting at your kid’s high school graduation, and instead of feeling proud, you can’t help but feel jealous similar to when a co-worker took credit for your project. It’s puzzling to feel envious of your child, especially during such a significant moment in their life, right?
Understanding the Feeling Jealous Towards Your Child
It is not unusual to experience jealousy towards your child on occasion. In today’s more inclusive society, your child may have more talents, social connections, and expressive abilities than you did at their age.
Dealing with Feeling Jealous Towards Your Child
You may find yourself in a position to provide your child with better opportunities for education, nutrition, and extracurricular activities than you had growing up. This situation can lead to feelings of your child living the life you always envisioned for yourself. However, it is essential to navigate these jealous emotions to ensure they do not strain your relationship with your child.
Causes of Feeling Jealous Towards Your Child
Eli Harwood, a licensed professional counselor and expert in attachment theory, states that parents may experience envy towards their children when they observe their children enjoying experiences, possessing qualities, or forming relationships that they themselves never had the opportunity to experience.
Feeling Jealous: Unmet Needs
Alyssa Campbell, an emotional development expert and the founder and CEO of Seed & Sew, suggests that parental jealousy is often not about the child but rather stems from the parent’s unfulfilled needs, previous emotional traumas, or the sorrow of witnessing their child receive something they themselves never experienced.
Comparing Childhood Experiences
The Enlightened Mind discusses how parents may experience jealousy when they see their child feeling loved and secure, possibly due to feeling neglected and anxious in their own childhood. According to The Enlightened Mind, even if a parent has worked hard to create a positive and safe environment for their child, it can still evoke jealousy in their younger self who yearned for similar experiences.
Campbell provides real-life instances of parents comparing their childhood experiences.
Competitive Mindset
Harwood explains that some parents may possess a competitive mindset, leading them to feel envious of their child in inappropriate ways, such as believing that their child is more attractive, athletic, popular, talented, or intelligent.
According to Harwood, “Emotionally immature parents may engage in competition with their child to seek affection from others or to establish a sense of superiority.”
Is It Wrong to Feel Jealous of Your Child?
The Enlightened Mind reassures that experiencing jealousy towards your child is a common occurrence. If your child has experiences or connections that you missed out on, it’s understandable to feel emotional about it. However, it only becomes problematic if you do not handle it effectively.
Campbell emphasizes that emotions, including jealousy, are not inherently good or bad; they are indicators. Jealousy can often point towards unresolved issues or unmet needs within yourself that require attention or healing.
Feeling jealous of your child does not indicate a lack of love for them; rather, it may highlight an unaddressed need or past hurt within you. The key is how you address and respond to these feelings.
Additionally, if jealousy transforms into resentment or creates emotional distance, it can strain your relationship and affect your child’s sense of security. However, viewing jealousy as an opportunity for self-reflection can lead to personal growth. Campbell suggests asking yourself the following questions:
Managing Your Jealousy
Campbell suggests that effectively dealing with parental jealousy begins with self-awareness and self-compassion. Here are some strategies to help navigate this challenging emotion:
Harwood advises embracing your jealousy and using it as a tool for improved self-care. By identifying the underlying unmet needs indicated by your jealousy, you can take steps to address them.
For instance, if you find yourself envious of your child’s friendships, it may signal a need for closer relationships in your life. By nurturing your own friendships, you can fulfill this need and eliminate feelings of jealousy when witnessing your child’s social success.
Should You Share Your Emotions with Your Child?
Experts suggest that it is not advisable to express feelings of jealousy towards your child. It can be confusing for them to comprehend how positive aspects of their life could trigger negative emotions in you.
Children should not have to bear the burden of their parents’ emotions. It is recommended to deal with these feelings by discussing them with a partner, friend, or therapist.
“The most beneficial approach for your child is to fulfill their needs without expecting them to contribute to your emotional well-being,” Campbell advises.
Seeking Assistance
If you are struggling to handle these emotions and they are affecting your relationship with your child, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on managing family dynamics. They can assist you in recognizing and understanding your emotions, preventing them from impacting your parenting approach.
It is recommended by Harwood to confide in a supportive individual who can help you process and comprehend these emotions. By doing so, you can pinpoint the underlying unmet needs causing jealousy towards your child’s life. Taking steps to address these needs can diminish the jealous feelings you are experiencing.
According to Campbell, addressing and working through these emotions enables us to parent our children without interference from our past. By breaking free from patterns of neglect or dismissiveness, a new cycle can be created where both parents and children feel acknowledged, valued, and supported.
Perceived Invalidation of Emotion and Its Impact on Affective Distress
Schreiber RE, Veilleux JC conducted a study titled “Perceived invalidation of emotion uniquely predicts affective distress: Implications for the role of interpersonal factors in emotional experience” published in Personality and Individual Differences in 2022. The study delves into the correlation between perceived invalidation of emotion and the resulting affective distress, shedding light on the role of interpersonal factors in emotional well-being.
