How to Identify Passive-Aggressive Conduct
Have you ever encountered someone responding with “I’m fine” when they are clearly not? Or maybe a co-worker who conveniently “forgets” to complete a task you asked them to do? These are examples of passive-aggressive behaviors that can disrupt relationships, leaving you bewildered, offended, and emotionally depleted.
Passive-aggressive behavior refers to actions that seem harmless, unintentional, or neutral on the surface but actually reveal an underlying unconscious aggressive intent.1
Understanding Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Individuals who exhibit passive-aggressive behavior tend to be indirectly aggressive rather than confrontational. This behavior can be seen through actions such as procrastination, sullenness, or stubbornness in response to another person’s requests.
Control and Expression of Hostility
Passive-aggressive individuals may allow others to take charge while subtly exerting control over situations. This behavior serves as a way to express hostility without resorting to violence or overt physical aggression, according to researchers.
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Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior can manifest in various ways. When someone exhibits passive-aggressive tendencies, they may:
A person showing passive-aggressive behavior may insistently claim that they are not upset or that everything is fine, even when they are visibly angry and clearly not okay. By denying their true emotions and avoiding emotional openness, they hinder further communication and avoid addressing the underlying issue.
Is passive-aggressiveness a mental health condition?
Passive-aggressiveness can be associated with certain mental health conditions. In previous editions of the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM), there was a mention of passive-aggressive personality disorder as a proposed disorder. It was characterized by a continuous pattern of negative attitudes and passive resistance. However, this proposed condition was eliminated from the DSM-5.
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior can present itself in various ways. Some instances include:2
In personal situations, a passive-aggressive individual might repeatedly come up with excuses to avoid specific people as a means of showing their displeasure or frustration towards those individuals.
For instance, passive-aggressive behavior in a relationship could involve scenarios like this: You request them to empty the dishwasher. They assure you they will do it, but then either do not follow through or delay it until the last minute (usually after multiple reminders from you). They might also respond with a sarcastic remark like, “Sure, I’d be thrilled to empty the dishwasher for you.”
In a professional setting, if someone displays passive-aggressive behavior, they might use sarcasm with colleagues or fail to meet deadlines. Another example of passive-aggressiveness at work is when an individual withholds critical information, essentially punishing the team by not providing them with essential data to progress.
Effects of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior can have a detrimental impact on relationships. By not expressing their feelings openly, individuals may receive the silent treatment or have their requests ignored without understanding the reasons behind these actions, leading to confusion.
Over time, such behaviors can strain the relationship as the partner of the passive-aggressive individual may become frustrated with repeated requests or resentful of sarcastic responses, creating a rift.
Moreover, since those displaying passive-aggressive tendencies fail to communicate their emotions, underlying anger or frustration is left unaddressed, allowing the situation to escalate instead of resolving issues and progressing forward.
Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Individuals or students displaying passive-aggressive behavior may face consequences such as disciplinary action or termination at work. In an academic setting, students who exhibit passive-aggressive tendencies may receive poor grades due to late submissions or incomplete assignments, negatively impacting their academic performance.
Reasons Behind Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive actions can harm relationships in various settings, such as families, romantic relationships, workplaces, and schools. Why is this damaging behavior so prevalent? Several factors can play a role in fostering passive aggression.
Family Upbringing
Experts believe that passive-aggressive behavior may originate from growing up in an environment that did not encourage the direct expression of emotions. Consequently, individuals may struggle to openly share their true feelings and resort to indirect ways of expressing anger or frustration.
Mental Health Status
Studies have indicated a correlation between depression and self-directed passive-aggressive actions. This association is believed to stem from the individual’s mindset, their approach to interpreting negative events (known as their attributional style), and their coping mechanisms in times of distress.
Situational Circumstances
Your surroundings can play a role in influencing passive-aggressive behavior. For instance, if you find yourself in a setting where open displays of aggression are frowned upon, like a business event or a family gathering, you might be more prone to reacting in an indirect manner when someone upsets you.
Discomfort With Confrontation
Being assertive and emotionally open can be challenging. When facing difficulty in standing up for yourself or dealing with uncomfortable emotions, resorting to passive-aggressive behavior may seem like a simpler way to cope without directly addressing the root of your frustration.
Summary
Passive-aggressive actions may stem from one’s upbringing, mental well-being, the particular circumstances, or discomfort with direct communication.
How to Handle Passive-Aggressive Individuals
The Enlightened Mind
What should you do when faced with a friend, colleague, or partner who exhibits passive-aggressive behavior regularly?
Identifying signs of passive aggression, such as sulking, backhanded compliments, procrastination, withdrawal, and lack of communication, is the initial step.
When encountering such behavior, strive to manage your emotions. Instead of reacting angrily, acknowledge the other person’s feelings in a neutral and factual manner. For instance, with a child upset about chores, you could say, “You appear to be upset about being asked to tidy your room.”
By addressing the behaviors without blame or accusations, you may encourage the individual to open up. This approach also demonstrates that you acknowledge their passive-aggressive actions and are ready to discuss them openly.
Ultimately, provide the person with the space and time they need to process their emotions and manage them effectively.
Recognizing Your Own Passive-Aggressive Behaviors
Identifying passive-aggressive behaviors in oneself can be more challenging than noticing them in others. If you suspect you exhibit passive-aggressive tendencies, it’s essential to reflect on your actions objectively.
These inquiries may be beneficial:
If you sense that your subtle hostile actions are negatively impacting your connections, there are strategies you can implement to modify your interactions with others.
Key Points to Remember
Passive-aggressive behavior is harmful, but it can be displayed by anyone. Understanding the root causes of passive-aggressiveness and learning how to manage it can help you not only address these behaviors in your relationships but also reduce any negative impact on your connections.
American Psychological Association. Passive-aggressive.
Lim YO, Suh KH. Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: The Passive Aggression Scale (PAS). Behav Sci (Basel). 2022;12(8):273. doi:10.3390/bs12080273
Greater Good Magazine. How to stop passive aggression from ruining your relationship. Greater Good Science Center at University of California, Berkeley.
Schanz CG, Equit M, Schäfer SK, Michael T. Self-directed passive-aggressive behavior as an essential component of depression: findings from two cross-sectional observational studies. BMC Psychiatry. 2022;22:200. doi:10.1186/s12888-022-03850-1
