In the “Ask a Therapist” series, I’ll be addressing your inquiries regarding mental health and psychology. Whether you are contending with a mental health issue, managing anxiety related to a life circumstance, or seeking a therapist’s perspective, submit a question. Stay tuned for my responses to your queries every Thursday in the Healthy Mind newsletter.

Our Reader inquires

Marion, 64, expresses concerns about her adult daughter’s expectations for help as a single mother. Despite financial assistance and free childcare, Marion feels her daughter is unsatisfied and may be taking advantage of their generosity. Marion is torn between wanting to help and feeling overwhelmed by her daughter’s demands. She worries about the consequences of setting boundaries and not meeting her daughter’s expectations.

Amy’s Response

Facing this situation can indeed be challenging. It is evident that you have the intention to assist your daughter and grandchildren, yet it seems like your efforts are not being appreciated. Feeling exploited indicates the need to set clear and healthy boundaries.

Transform Your Perception of Responsibility

Feeling obligated to support your daughter is understandable, especially considering she is a single mother facing challenges you don’t want her to endure alone.

However, it’s important to remember that you are not required to provide assistance. Your daughter is an adult responsible for herself and her children.

While there is no legal or moral obligation for you to help, you have the choice to offer support based on your own preferences and boundaries.

The key is to acknowledge that helping is a decision you make willingly. You can assist because you care, not because you feel compelled to do so.

Decide Together What You Want to Provide

It is crucial for both partners to align on the amount of time and financial support they are willing to offer their daughter.

Discuss the number of weekly hours for free childcare, the monthly financial assistance amount, and any other forms of support you wish to provide.

If there is disagreement, it is best not to proceed. Divergence in giving may lead to significant relationship strain and not benefit anyone involved.

Communicate Your Limits

Once you have determined what you are comfortable with, express those boundaries to your daughter. You could say something like, “We have been feeling quite exhausted lately, so we have decided to reduce the amount of childcare we can provide. We are available to look after the children two afternoons a week,” or “We are willing to cover your internet bill every month if that would be helpful.”

Your daughter may resist and try to persuade you to change your decision. She may argue that you are being unfair or suggest that if you cannot do everything for her, you should not bother at all.

However, it is crucial to uphold the limits you have set. Failing to do so will only lead to further exhaustion and potentially harbor feelings of resentment towards her.

Get Advice From The Enlightened Mind Podcast

Hosted by Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Enlightened Mind Podcast explores the importance of setting boundaries to empower oneself.

Listen Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts

Offer Resources and Alternatives

If you’re worried about your daughter needing more assistance than you can offer, consider providing her with information about other support options.

You could present her with a list of childcare choices. Alternatively, you could suggest covering the cost for her to consult with a financial consultant who can aid her in creating a budget.

This approach may demonstrate to her that you are ready to assist, even if it involves directing her to a professional for help instead of taking on the task yourself.

Practice Effective Communication

When your daughter feels like you’re not doing enough to support her, it’s important to validate her emotions. Acknowledge her feelings by saying something like, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated.” Be sure to convey this sincerely, without any hint of sarcasm.

Your daughter is opening up about her pain, and feeling heard can bring her some relief.

While it may be tempting to defend yourself with comments like, “We do a lot for you!” or “You have more support than most people,” these responses can put her on the defensive.

The conversation is more likely to go smoothly if you focus on listening and reflecting back her emotions, even if you don’t necessarily agree.

If she crosses a line with her remarks, you have the right to end the conversation. Let her know you can discuss things further when she’s calmer.