8 Signs Your Partner Is Probably Upset with You—And How to Address It

It’s not always easy to tell when your partner is feeling upset.

Look, I’ve done it and I bet you’ve done it too. Something your partner did makes you frustrated. But rather than expressing your feelings straightforwardly, you may exhibit different behaviors. For example, you might find yourself silently seething while preparing dinner. Instead of openly discussing what’s bothering you, you start getting irritated by every little thing your partner does—even their breathing annoys you.

If you can relate, you are not alone. Many of us tend to show subtle signs of being upset instead of directly communicating our emotions. Why do we behave this way? How can we cut through the facade and have honest conversations about our feelings? In this article, we will explore these questions and more, delving into how to identify signs that your partner is upset and offering strategies to address the situation effectively.

Why Recognizing Signs Of Upset Is Important

Identifying signs of upset or anger in your partner is crucial for maintaining a strong and connected relationship. Ignoring these emotional cues can lead to miscommunication, resentment, and a breakdown in trust over time.

Therapist J Cangialosi emphasizes the importance of being aware of your partner’s emotional states, including moments of anger. Addressing these emotions proactively shows your partner that you value their emotional well-being and the relationship as a whole.

Recognizing and Addressing Signs of Anger in Your Relationship

When you fail to notice and address signs of anger in your partner, the risk of becoming disconnected and losing mutual understanding increases. According to Erin Weinstein, LCSW, CHT, a licensed psychotherapist, she once had a client who experienced profound emotional pain when their partner forgot to take out the trash. This seemingly insignificant incident triggered deep-seated beliefs of “I cannot trust anyone” and “I must handle everything alone.”

Impact of Unresolved Anger and Resentment

Over time, this internal narrative caused the partner to drift further apart, leading to the accumulation of anger and resentment. However, once the couple delved into the meaning behind this narrative and acknowledged its effects, they were able to reconnect, enhance their understanding of each other, and provide more profound support, as noted by Weinstein.

8 Signs Your Partner May Be Upset

Partners can display various indicators that they are unhappy, frustrated, or irritated with you. These signs can vary from subtle to overt gestures. It is crucial to understand that individuals have distinct methods of conveying their anger, and this expression can evolve over time.

Overperforming

One indication that is often overlooked and can go unnoticed is the behavior of overperforming, according to Weinstein. This could manifest as becoming excessively busy with household chores or work, making them feel overwhelmed and like they have no time for anything else. Such actions might suggest that the individual is attempting to cope with challenging emotions, she explains.

Stonewalling

When a partner engages in stonewalling, it can indicate feelings of anger or upset, according to Melissa Legere, LMFT, clinical director and co-founder of California Behavioral Health. This behavior is characterized by sudden silence, lack of engagement in conversation, or emotional unavailability, creating a barrier between partners. Partners may respond with brief, curt replies, or choose to remain silent altogether.

Reduced Emotional Display

When a partner is upset, they may become emotionally unavailable, leading to a decrease in affectionate gestures. The absence of physical touch, compliments, or verbal affection can be a clear indicator of their anger or dissatisfaction, according to Cangialosi.

Active Avoidance

One indicator that your partner may be upset with you is if they actively avoid interacting with you. They might spend more time in a different room, make excuses to keep busy, or even cancel plans you would typically do together. It seems like they are attempting to create distance, either physically or emotionally.

Irritability and Criticism

Increased irritation, irritability, and critical behavior can signal underlying upset and anger. According to Cangialosi, this can manifest as a partner becoming more prone to snapping or fixating on perceived flaws.

Changes in Body Tone and Body Language

Your partner’s body language is prone to shift when they are upset. While their words may appear ordinary, the tone in which they deliver them feels distant, ironic, or indifferent, as Legere points out. They may steer clear of eye contact, fold their arms, or exhibit a rigid posture that contradicts their words, she further explains.

Change in Communication and Sharing

If you and your partner usually exchange stories about your day or are generally talkative, a sign that your partner may be holding on to anger is a shift in communication. According to Cangialosi, when a partner is upset, they might be less likely to share daily experiences or engage in usual shared activities.

Unusually Irritable

A partner displaying irritability may become easily frustrated or angry over minor issues. According to Legere, they may lash out over things that typically wouldn’t bother them. This behavior stems from underlying upset or emotional distress that they are struggling to communicate effectively. Consequently, minor issues may escalate and seem more significant than they truly are, as Legere elaborates.

Why Partners Don’t Always Express Anger Directly

For many individuals, understanding why their partners do not directly communicate their anger or upset feelings can be puzzling. Legere explains that partners may struggle to articulate their emotions in words and may be apprehensive about the potential reaction. They might opt to avoid conflict or let issues slide, even if bothered by them, as it seems easier, she notes.

Additionally, Cangialosi points out that partners may refrain from expressing anger due to a fear of conflict, a desire not to appear overly emotional, or a belief that their feelings will not be acknowledged. Past experiences or learned behaviors can also influence their communication style, he adds.

Legere advises acknowledging that there may not always be malicious intent behind a partner’s actions. Understanding this perspective can enable individuals to handle the situation with compassion and empathy, she mentions.

Strategies for Enhancing Communication When Your Partner Is Distressed

How can you navigate a situation where your partner is visibly upset but hesitant to address the issue directly? It can present a challenging scenario for you as a partner. However, there are several approaches you can employ to alleviate tensions and encourage your partner to engage in open communication with you.

Below are some essential recommendations from Cangialosi:

Create a Supportive Environment

Strive to establish an environment where your partner feels comfortable expressing their emotions. According to Cangialosi, always maintain a demeanor of openness and compassion with your partner. Approach them in a gentle manner, indicating your willingness to listen without criticizing.

Use Personal Statements

Employing “I statements” involves expressing your emotions and perspectives instead of directly confronting the other individual. This strategy is effective as it focuses on your feelings and avoids assuming the thoughts or emotions of your partner, as stated by Cangialosi.

Validation

Validation plays a crucial role in relationships. According to Cangialosi, acknowledging your partner’s feelings, even if you have a different perspective, is key to resolving conflicts. It is not necessary to completely grasp someone’s emotions or be at ease with them, but validating their reality and validity can make a significant difference.

Anger Vs. Controlling or Abusive Behavior

Recognizing signs of anger in a partner is crucial as it helps in understanding their emotions and enables one to be more empathetic and compassionate. However, it is essential to differentiate between a partner being upset or angry and displaying controlling or abusive behavior. Any form of abusive or controlling behavior should never be accepted under any circumstances.

Tips for Sustaining a Healthy Relationship Despite Disagreements

Recognizing your partner’s feelings of anger towards you is crucial, but it is only the initial step. Dealing with conflicts in a relationship is vital since conflicts are inevitable and cannot be avoided. The essential aspect is managing them effectively with transparency and empathy.

Cangialosi provided his expert advice on managing conflicts in relationships:

Keep in Mind

It is common to struggle with expressing anger or upset feelings to our partners. Recognizing signs of anger in our partner is crucial for building empathy and understanding their emotions.

Both partners need to be open and honest about their feelings, fostering a two-way street of empathy. Seeking help from a couples therapist or mental health professional can aid in conflict management and strengthen the relationship bond.

American Psychological Association. Control anger before it controls you.

Haase CM, Holley SR, Bloch L, Verstaen A, Levenson RW. Interpersonal emotional behaviors and physical health: A 20-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples. Emotion. 2016;16(7):965-977. doi:10.1037/a0040239