7 Practical Tips to Deal With The Fear of Exclusion
Imagine scrolling through your social media feed on a Saturday morning and coming across your friend’s post showcasing a fun night out with mutual friends. The sinking feeling in your stomach sets in as you wonder: Were you forgotten?
Experiencing exclusion or feeling left out can be incredibly distressing. It can trigger a cascade of questions and self-doubt: Why weren’t you included? Did you do something wrong? Is there something inadequate about you?
While feeling left out may feel personal, it often isn’t. Through introspection and proactive steps, you can effectively manage and overcome the fear of exclusion.
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
According to Melissa Legere, LMFT, Clinical Director and co-founder of California Behavioral Health, the concern about being excluded often stems from the desire to belong and the worry of missing out on significant events. This apprehension is closely associated with FOMO (fear of missing out), which is mainly fueled by social media and online channels.
Dr. Michael Kane
Humans have a natural inclination towards inclusion as social beings. Feelings of exclusion, whether real or perceived, can evoke emotions like rejection, inadequacy, or loneliness.
Dr. Michael Kane, the Chief Medical Officer at Indiana Center for Recovery, emphasizes the significance of belonging and connection in human behavior. He explains that the fear of exclusion stems from our inherent need for inclusion. “As social creatures, humans thrive on inclusion,” he says. “When we sense exclusion, whether that’s real or perceived, it can trigger feelings of rejection, inadequacy, or even loneliness.”
The fear of being left out can be traced back to early life experiences, such as repeated instances of exclusion during childhood. Dr. Kane notes that traumatic events like bullying or neglect can intensify this fear, leading to heightened sensitivity to rejection in social situations. Additionally, individuals with certain mental health conditions like social anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, or borderline personality disorder often exhibit an increased sensitivity to rejection as well.1
Managing the Fear of Exclusion
At one time or another, everyone has experienced the feeling of being excluded. These situations can instill a fear of future exclusion that hinders our ability to deal with the issue directly. If you are grappling with the fear of being left out, here are some strategies supported by experts to help you cope.
Recognize Your Emotions
“First and foremost, it is crucial to comprehend your emotions and the reasons behind them,” Dr. Kane emphasizes. Instead of disregarding or casting aside uncomfortable emotions like envy, anger, or sorrow, it is beneficial to pause and acknowledge, identify, and validate them. “Naming your emotions allows you to regain a sense of authority over them,” according to Dr. Kane. Consequently, this enables us to better manage our emotions.
To identify your emotions, you might want to try journaling them. Another method is to shut your eyes, acknowledge your feelings, and pinpoint where these sensations manifest in your body.
Avoid Negative Assumptions
Our minds tend to automatically think the worst, which is referred to as the negativity bias. This bias has evolutionary roots as it helps us steer clear of potential dangers. However, when feeling excluded, this bias can lead us to perceive threats that may not actually exist.
Legere suggests that instead of jumping to conclusions and assuming that others are purposely excluding us, we should approach the situation with curiosity. She advises, “Sometimes oversights happen, or plans can change abruptly. By reaching out and clarifying the situation, you can alleviate any anxious thoughts. Remember, it’s better to ask than to stress over potentially untrue scenarios.”
Self-Reflection and Personal Behavior
Victoria Murray, LCSW, owner of Root to Rise Therapy, suggests questioning the reasons behind feeling triggered when experiencing exclusion. Reflecting on past instances of exclusion and examining any underlying insecurities in relationships can provide valuable insights into these feelings. Evaluating the context in which such emotions arise can lead to a better understanding and promote self-compassion.
Communicate with Others
Too often, we can fall into the trap of assuming others can read our minds and understand how we are feeling. The truth is, others may not even realize that we feel left out. According to Murray, “Speaking up for yourself and expressing your desire to participate can be incredibly empowering.” By vocalizing our needs, we increase the chances of having them fulfilled. Additionally, this approach enables others to comprehend how they can provide us with the best support in the future.
It is important to always use “I” statements to assert ownership of our own feelings and avoid placing blame on others.
Build Confidence
Our self-assurance may suffer due to the fear of exclusion or repeated feelings of being left out. Strengthening our self-assurance is crucial in overcoming these concerns and improving our self-image. According to Dr. Kane, “Remind yourself of your unique qualities and the value you bring to relationships.”
“Surround yourself with individuals who support and value you for who you are.” Seeking assistance from a mental health professional can also aid in addressing deeper insecurities and past traumas, ultimately enhancing our sense of self-worth.
Engage in Self-Care
Strong emotions can have a significant impact on both our physical and emotional health. Therefore, prioritizing self-care is crucial. This can involve activities such as taking a leisurely walk, enjoying a favorite TV program, or reaching out to a trusted friend. According to Murray, it’s essential to avoid the temptation to ignore or suppress these emotions because they are trying to convey something important. At times, they may be signaling the need to take a step back and provide yourself with some time off.
Be Proactive in Social Settings
According to Murray, being passive and letting others take the lead can leave us feeling helpless and out of control. If we find ourselves constantly feeling excluded, it’s important to take initiative. This could mean reaching out to others to make plans instead of passively waiting to be invited. By actively organizing gatherings, we increase our chances of being included in more social events, ultimately reducing the anxiety of being left out.
Keep in Mind
The concern about feeling excluded can lead to feelings of anxiety, sadness, envy, and a sense of inadequacy. As social beings, we naturally seek inclusion and connection. However, there are times when we may experience exclusion or not receive an invitation we had hoped for. It is crucial in these moments to show ourselves compassion and approach the situation with curiosity.
By recognizing our emotions and taking steps to address them, we can better manage the fear of being left out. It is important to understand that these worries are common and do not reflect any personal flaws. Instead, they highlight our desire for connection and closeness with others, which are admirable qualities.
